Dear Eric: One year after my retirement, I am still feeling confused and hurt for not receiving a “retirement gift” from my long-time employers. I worked for a family-owned realty company for nearly 30 years. I am not a family member.
We started out as just four of us while the company expanded into one of the largest real estate firms in our community. I was an intricate piece of it, but as it grew, I felt more and more left in the dark by their decisions and considerations. It felt hostile to me.
Honestly, it felt good to leave a place where I felt disrespected and tired of being snapped at by management. Bosses laid a “happy retirement” card on my desk and walked away. When I opened it later in front of some co-workers, we all were shocked when not even a gift card fell out. Kind words were written, but I was confused.
My feelings were validated by my therapist and friends to whom I spoke. However, one year later, my self-esteem is still deflated, and I have frequent nightmares of being back in the toxic work atmosphere. Not a good way to close out my life.
I’m active in charitable and political causes so I’m not bored. At this late date, do I ask my former employers “what was the deal?” It could bring closure so I could move on.
— Stung Former Realtor
Dear Stung Former Realtor: I say this with kindness—you probably already know the deal, or at least the general outline of the deal, so I don’t think a conversation with a toxic employer is going to bring you the closure you seek.
The unhappy feelings you have about your former workplace have all coalesced around the retirement acknowledgment, but it sounds like you suffered for years. All of that is going to take a toll.
Instead of going back to a place of injury, talk to your therapist about the struggle you’re having with self-esteem and ways to heal. This part of your past is not going to change, but your relationship to it can.
You might start to see your boss and coworkers in a new light that doesn’t give them so much power over your feelings; you might engage in therapeutic practices that quiet the negative voices that still linger in your memory. It might help to simply say to your therapist: What I wanted was not what happened, and it hurts.
Your nightmares are already dragging you back to your workplace. You don’t need to go back there in your waking hours, too. It’s possible to get free.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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