Dear Eric: A childhood friend, almost a brother really, cheated on his wife when we were in our late 40s. Our two families were very close, and my wife became his wife’s main emotional support person during a very painful divorce. He was a jerk during the whole incident, and it broke up our friendship.
Now, years later, he has sent me a friend request on Facebook. My wife has no interest in contact with him, and though she says it’s my choice, I know she prefers I ignore it. But part of me is still mourning the loss of this old decades-long friendship, and I feel like I need to respond. I’m torn.
—Feeling Stuck
Dear Stuck: It sounds like your friend has some amends to make for the rift he caused in your friendship. And perhaps this request is a first step toward that. It also sounds like you’re not quite done with this relationship either. We aren’t only our worst moments or even our worst periods in life. So, your friend may have changed or grown. It makes sense that your wife doesn’t want any more to do with him, but I don’t see the harm in you responding to see where he stands. I hope you’re pleasantly surprised.
Finding the right support group for a son with a drug problem
Dear Eric: In response to “Concerned Mom,” whose son has been using drugs for two years, and who stated that Al-Anon groups are “hardcore,” I suggest she keep looking for Al-Anon groups that fit her needs.
I have been a member for 20 years, and in Al-Anon we do not give advice or tell people what to do. We share our experience, strength, and hope. There should be nothing “hardcore” about Al-Anon. It is a gentle program, and we all recover at our own speed. Online meetings are available 24/7 around the world. Also, if she is not comfortable with meetings, she may benefit greatly from reading the literature available at al-anon.org.
—Hope This Helps
Dear Hope: I, too, hope that the letter writer is able to find an Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meeting that speaks to her when she’s ready to take that step. They’re a great benefit to so many. Thanks for writing.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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