Dear Eric: Our 11-year-old nephew (on my husband’s side) is like Dudley from the “Harry Potter” series. He’s spoiled, entitled, rude and disrespectful to young and old family members. Family gatherings have become very stressful and tense due to his behavior.
Meals and mealtimes always have to revolve around his taste and timeframe or he throws tantrums. He will not greet adults; he makes no eye contact and interrupts adult conversations.
His way of saying hello is to punch his uncle (my husband) and he also punches his cousins (our children). He will give a half-hearted “sorry” and thinks that somehow the air has been cleared and he can go on his merry way.
When we use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be punched” or “I said ‘hello’, you should say ‘hello’ back” he becomes snarky and says we are not his parents so we can’t tell him what to do.
His parents respond the same way and tell us not to “tell their kid what to do”. He has no social communication deficits and is not on the autism spectrum. Please advise us on how to respond or what to say during these tense interactions.
Leaving a family party seems too dramatic and allows the “behavior” to ‘win’ in a sense.
— Dudley’s Aunt
Dear Aunt: Dudley’s a problem, but these parents are even worse. It would be one thing if they were “helpless” in the face of a hellion. But since they take on an adversarial tone when you, rightfully, tell Dudley not to punch another person, I’m inclined to believe they condone or even encourage his acting out.
Presumably, one of the parents is your husband’s sibling. So, I’m wondering if this family dynamic precedes the kid. Are they bullies, too?
Make it clear to them before the next gathering what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to your own kids and your own bodies. Tell them, “Your child is not allowed to punch my child, and I expect you to make sure that doesn’t happen. If you can’t do that, we can’t be around each other.”
Judging from their prior responses, they may not be receptive. But you have to draw the line in the sand, even if it means leaving a family gathering. Dudley has already brought the drama with his Rocky Balboa impression. You’re allowed to step out of the ring.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
