Asking Eric: Navigating kindness and independence in my later years

Dear Eric: I am getting older. I have lived in my home more than half my life. I raised my children, educated myself, had a career and launched my kids while living here as a long-divorced person.

In the last few years, my body has changed. I now use a walker. My mind works just fine. Many confuse mobility issues with thinking issues.

Today, a neighbor’s son, visiting for the holidays, just started shoveling my walk without consulting me. I had already made snow removal arrangements with someone else. I asked if I could pay him. He said no. I told him that the person I made arrangements with was counting on the shoveling income.

I thanked the neighbor’s son for his kindness and he left. I can no longer do yard work or remove snow.

Please help me understand why most folks think I am incapable of taking care of my home and yard. I have been unmarried, successful and independent for a very long time.

Help me walk this fine line between kindness and intrusion.

— Unwarranted Help

Dear Unwarranted Help: Many people think of snow removal and yard work as onerous, and even dangerous, and therefore ideal ways to spread kindness to neighbors and loved ones. Try not to think of these acts as disempowering. It’s unlikely that anyone who clears a path for you thinks that you’re incapable of taking care of yourself. Isn’t it more likely that they’re thinking that having a clear sidewalk or driveway makes life easier and keeps you safer? This would be true for anyone, regardless of their physical ability.

I do want to acknowledge that you want to be consulted first, as is your right. Though your neighbor’s son didn’t do this, I’d suggest that it was an innocent oversight. Snow needs to be cleared, and he may have simply seen an opportunity. However, this doesn’t stop you from paying the other person if you’d already budgeted the funds and you know the other person needs the money. You received some kindness with nothing asked in return and you can pass it on, too.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)