Dear Eric: My children are grown. Two live locally and one super local (our home!). One is married with young children, and we see them often, spending most holidays with them. (In-laws are unpleasant, to say the least.)
Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious. We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our kids’ cousins, aunt and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.
Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday. He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again travel to her family.
When we got married, we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend, but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family.
Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.
— Sharing holidays
Dear Sharing holidays:
Even though Christmas hasn’t come yet, I’d suggest waiting until after the holiday to talk about this, with a focus on next year. Your middle child is perhaps still working out how to negotiate splitting holidays, as the relationship is new and every extended family has its own traditions.
Talking about the plan for next year keeps this from being a conversation about what your child or his girlfriend “did wrong.” (In quotes because nothing you’ve written indicates you feel this way, but often these conversations can end up with one or both sides feeling a mistake has been made.)
Instead, approach it from a logistical point of view, but don’t be afraid to advocate for what you want. “We love having you at the holidays. We also have lots of experience alternating holidays. We really appreciated you making Thanksgiving work, and it was great to have you for what time you could be here. It would mean a lot to have you here for future holidays, but I want to know what your ideal is so that we can work together.”
When you both approach this as a time/travel puzzle to solve, it reduces some of the emotional tension. It’s important to remember that he isn’t choosing his girlfriend’s family over yours, that holidays don’t always have to happen on holidays and that the arrangements on all sides will continue to shift as life and circumstances change, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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