Dear Eric: My parents are retired and enjoying the empty nest stage of life. They have a rather large home, and my mother’s mobility has been severely hampered in the last few years. They refuse to get rid of the things that no longer serve them. My mother overbuys for everything, and at times I think she forgets what they already have and just buys more, never cleaning out what she already has. My siblings and I are growing extremely frustrated as there are rooms in the house that are no longer able to be moved through or are overrun with stuff from decades ago.
We have offered to help clean areas out; we’ve offered to hire a professional organizer to get the home in order and create a safe environment for them. They refuse all help. We’ve also explained to them that we do not believe it is fair that they are going to leave this large home of stuff for us to clean up one day, not knowing what may be important or an heirloom, and they tell us to just throw it all away. We love our parents dearly, but we are also extremely frustrated with how cavalier they seem to be when it comes to putting the burden of cleaning all this up on us when they are gone when we are more than happy to help now. Your thoughts would be deeply appreciated.
— Overwhelmed by Clutter
Dear Overwhelmed: If you believe that the clutter in the house poses a safety risk and they’ve refused your help, it may be time to reach out to the hoarder task force at your local fire department or seek out other municipal resources to pay your parents a house call. They can assess the risk (to your parents and to any paramedics/firefighters who might have to come into the home to help) and provide solutions.
There’s a separate issue here, however, and it’s an anticipatory frustration that may not really be something your parents need to deal with. You’re envisioning how hard it’s going to be to clean up after them, which is understandable from a logistical standpoint. But they’re still living their lives; this is still their stuff. So, it’s not really fair to characterize them as cavalier about what happens after they’re gone, when they’re still here and enjoying post-retirement life.
If you’re worried about missing some heirlooms, ask them if you can walk through the house with them and hold on to some things for safekeeping.
Today’s problem is the clutter. The figurative tomorrow’s problem is disposing of everything. Let tomorrow’s problem stay tomorrow’s problem.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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