Dear Eric: I have a childhood friend with whom I have remained friends, even though we have mostly lived in different states as adults. We are now in our early 60s.
We continue to travel together often, but over the last several years I find it difficult because he is very controlling, sometimes rude, and just very, very chatty.
Our wives are close and enjoy each other’s company very much. He is very good at planning trips, but he is also a little selfish regarding that. He must get the best room, be first, etc. He also nonstop talks about everything he’s doing.
I’ve traveled with other people and it’s much more pleasant and enjoyable. If I were to stop traveling with him completely, it would definitely cause a rift in the friendship. But it bothers me when he always maneuvers things so that he is in a better position even if it’s to others’ detriment.
I may be overreacting. Not sure if I should say something to him or just let it be and try not to let it bother me. My wife indicated she’s tired of me talking about it, so I’m definitely not going to say anything further to her, even though it bothers her, too. Any advice?
— Travel fatigue
Dear Travel: Pick one concrete habit of your friend’s that bothers you and talk to him about it. Often, when friendships have run their course, or when changes in the lives of longtime friends start to misalign with changes in our lives, every single thing they do can start to grate on our nerves. It becomes easy, even attractive, to just lump all their behavior together. The result is that every little slight becomes representative of the whole constellation of slights, annoying habits, and bad acts.
Choosing one thing that makes it hard for you to enjoy traveling with him will help you focus and may make some of his other traits less annoying.
Let’s take, for instance, the always maneuvering to be in a better position. What would you prefer in this situation? Do you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick? Are there things he can do to help you get in a better position, also? When you talk to him, don’t just come with complaints, come with compromises, too. “I’ve noticed that when we travel this thing happens; I’d like it if we could do this instead. Is that possible?”
You may find, however, that your travel styles have simply changed too much, and the best compromise may be finding an alternative way to connect without stepping on each other’s toes.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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