Dear Eric: We are three women who are in our early 70s. We have been friends since junior high school. We all moved to different areas after college about an hour away from each other. We are all active, and we still drive. The problem is that no matter what time we decide to meet, one friend is always late, even when it’s in her city. Not 10 or 15 minutes, but 45 to an hour.
Our last lunch date was for 1 p.m.; she arrived at 2:50. We had already eaten and were drinking coffee.
Offering no apology, she sat down and ordered as if nothing was wrong! My other friend is tired, as this is now the norm. I have thought about giving the latecomer a different time to meet, but my other friend says it’s a lack of respect to us to have to wait on her each time we meet. What do I do or say that has not been said or done already?
—Always On Time
Dear Time: This habit is an obstacle, and it does communicate that her time is more valuable than yours, or—perhaps worse—that she doesn’t value your time together. This may not be what she wants to communicate, so tell her that’s what you’re feeling.
There may be things going on that keep her from being on time; she may find it harder to manage her life than she’s letting on. But you can neither know nor accommodate if no one is talking about it.
Present it as an invitation to keep your friendship healthy. “When you arrive much later than the time we agreed to, I feel hurt and disrespected. I value your friendship and I want to spend time with you. How can we fix this?” If you just give her the wrong time, hoping that she’ll accidentally show up when you’re expecting her, you’re taking on more work and it’s going to keep you frustrated. Better to acknowledge what’s going on and ask her to play a role in making future lunch dates successful.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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