Dear Eric: I’ve been married to a great guy for the better part of 30 years. We are empty nesters, and during Covid-19, I agreed to help my male cousin who became homeless.
I knew my husband wasn’t wild about the idea, but he didn’t fuss about it, so we let him move in. Fast-forward five years: he’s still living with us.
I figured I could use the money, so I made him pay rent. A few days ago, I got home before my husband and decided to wait for him to get home in bed undressed. That’s something we do often. To my surprise, he was mad at me and accused me of sleeping with my cousin. I was so crushed. I couldn’t believe it. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe he thought so little of me.
I feel like my relationship is shipwrecked. Of course, I asked my cousin to leave immediately but I can’t bring myself to hold my husband close to me anymore. Why can’t he understand why I’m so hurt?
— Wrongly Accused
Dear Accused: This idea, incorrect as it is, likely took root in your husband’s mind long before the blowup. And since he didn’t talk about it with you, it had plenty of time to fester and flourish until it was overwhelming. I can’t say why he would believe this in the first place or why he wouldn’t bring it up earlier in an attempt to clear the air. I’m sorry that you and your cousin had to suffer for it.
What you and your husband need right now is a clear, calm conversation that can help to chip away at the story he’s created in his mind and lead you both to the root of the issue. That’s going to be very hard to do without a third party guiding you, listening to you and helping you listen to each other. That third party might be a therapist, a religious leader or a friend who is skilled at remaining neutral and asking questions.
Lay out the basic truth: you’re hurt, and he’s upset and neither of you wants to feel this way. You may want to reinforce that you’re not trying to set him up or convince him. You’re trying to create a space that’s safe enough for both of you to hear each other and move forward.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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