Dear Eric: A few years ago, I became very ill and was put into an induced coma. After waking, I endured two difficult months in a nursing home.
Once home, my husband was invaluable, handling tasks like changing my colonoscopy bag and feeding me. Though his help was crucial, times were tough, and we were unhappy with each other. Through daily burnt waffles and toast, his presence was constant and critical for three months.
However, now I feel like his personal slave. I can’t drive anymore, so he shops daily, but I handle all cooking and laundry due to his workouts and pickleball. I feel trapped, and despite knowing it’s not all his fault, I can’t mentally shift out of this pattern. Any advice?
— Trapped at home
Dear Trapped at home: This isn’t your fault. It sounds like you and your husband have settled into a dynamic that doesn’t work for you, possibly due to your illness or other marital issues. Blaming yourself won’t bring a solution.
Try having a “state-of-the-relationship” conversation to discuss what’s working and what isn’t. Approach your husband with your feelings and suggest finding solutions together. If needed, involve a friend or therapist to aid the discussion.
Consider redistributing household duties. It’s fair to share responsibilities, and you don’t owe a debt of servitude for past help. Though relationships can be unequal at times, you must address when the imbalance becomes too great.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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