Dear Eric: I’ve heard, informally, that my nieces and nephews have collectively decided that the entire family (including me) will gather for the college graduation of one of my great-nephews in May. I wasn’t involved in that decision, but that’s OK. It’s not my child or event. (I don’t have children.) I am also the only living uncle.
I have no interest in going. These family events involve so many people; it is difficult to spend any meaningful time with anyone. In addition, it’s on the other side of the country, and the graduate-to-be and I have never been close. He has barely spoken to me at other gatherings and has never acknowledged the (cash) gifts I have sent over the years for birthdays, Christmas or his high school graduation. Although that seems to be the rule anymore, and not the exception.
This will be the first of such graduations that will happen almost yearly for some time. Not to mention the eventual weddings.
The dilemma is, if I skip one or two but go to others, there will likely be hard feelings among relatives. And if I go to this one (reluctantly), am I obligated to go to all of them?
Fortunately, it’s not a financial burden. And I’m retired, so time is not an issue. But it feels more like a root canal appointment than a good time. I feel like there is no “everyone happy” scenario here. Am I missing a solution?
—Go or No
Dear Go or No: If you don’t want to go, don’t go and tell them the dates just don’t work out for you. You don’t have to make up a fictional vacation or some other elaborate excuse. But you have your own life, schedule, and priorities, and it’s true that this event does not fit into those.
By addressing this head-on and early, you also have the opportunity to send your well wishes, and a gift if you so desire. You also have the opportunity to set a precedent that’s fair and that works for you. That precedent: you’ll come when you can. There’s nothing stopping you from making the upcoming milestones feel special for your great-nieces and great-nephews in a way that’s specific to you, your relationship and your capacity.
To your point that there may be hard feelings: everyone’s feelings are their responsibility. If you’re upfront with your relatives and make a good faith effort to honor the celebrants, you don’t have anything to feel bad about.
Dear Eric: In response to “Grieving Granddad’s” letter regarding the loss of his longtime dog companion, thank you so much for recommending adopting an older dog. I would also add that he, or anyone who isn’t sure about a fur-ever commitment but wants dog(s) in their lives, might consider dog foster care.
—Foster Dog Parent
Dear Foster: A great suggestion. Another note that came up in the responses to this question is that everyone, of any age, should make sure that there are plans in place for a friend or relative to take care of the dog if the owner is incapacitated or dies.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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