Dear Eric: In the past, you’ve suggested to writers that they stop sending cards, gifts, checks, et cetera, when the recipient cannot bother to even acknowledge them. I agree, but what about this: I have teenage and young adult grandchildren in two different families. Seven altogether. Out of each family, only one will kindly say thank you or acknowledge the gift. His or her siblings do not. Do I follow through with your advice and only send the lone thoughtful adult child cards? Even though they’re all adults or near adulthood, they all live at home with parents. If I single one or two out (the thoughtful ones) I’m sure I will be considered the rude, “bad guy!” What do you think?
—Gift Giver
Dear Giver: First, you’re not obligated to send gifts. Gift-giving is an extension of a relationship and an expression of feeling. “Thank you” is not a phrase that has passed out of the lexicon. But we don’t give to receive thanks. However, if you’re feeling the relationship is one-sided, maybe it’s time to change the mode of communication. That — communication — is key here. If you want to hear from the other grandchildren more, you can say so. And if you opt to stop sending gifts, for whatever reason, that’s your prerogative and any feelings they have about “rudeness” are theirs to work through.
Dear Eric: I have two friends who never initiate calls or plans. I’ve discussed it with both. One promises to do better but never does. The other tells me that she doesn’t call anybody, but I can call her anytime. I struggle, however, with thinking that actions speak louder than words, they don’t really care, and the relationships would fall away if I stopped calling. How do I fight feelings of hurt and rejection?
—Uncalled
Dear Uncalled: Decide what actions hold the most meaning for you. Are there other ways that the friends show that they care for you? It may be that you’re someone who needs reciprocation in communication. That’s fine, but that might mean that these friendships aren’t right for you. Be open to the possibility, however, that they can show up for you in other ways.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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