Dear Eric: I had a Mexican vacation planned with three very good friends and our spouses. My one friend goes there quite often and was going to be there for an additional two weeks after the week we were all to be together. Her son and his girlfriend (whom I have never met) also go quite often. The son and girlfriend planned a visit at the same time we were going, but he won’t be staying with us.
Fast-forward to booking a place to stay. We are quoted our share of the rental with her son staying with us because it would be “cheaper.” Am I wrong for backing out because that’s not what I agreed to? Is it selfish to expect a trip with just your friends? Why am I the only one who seemed to have a problem with the additional guests?
—Not That Fun
Dear Fun: This is a different vacation than the one you envisioned, so it doesn’t strike me as selfish to want what you want. It would be one thing if everyone had their own rentals and the son and his girlfriend would only be joining for some meals or activities. That could be quite fun. But in the closer quarters of a shared rental, the dynamic changes.
Yes, cost is a major factor in vacation planning, but the concept for the vacation is equally important. You go away to be with the people that you know and care about. Your experience of a new place is going to change based on who you’re with and what kind of conversations you can have. So, it would behoove whoever is leading the charge on planning to acknowledge that a cheaper per couple rate is not the only objective.
And even though it is cheaper, it still costs money. Probably a significant amount of money. So, it makes sense that you’d opt not to spend your money on something you don’t want.
If your friendship can withstand the disruption of you backing out, it makes sense to do so. However — a BIG however — it’s easy to see how this could become a point of contention, especially if your friend takes it personally (“how dare you not want to spend time with my son?”). That’s a cost that you don’t want to pay.
Talk it out again from a place of possibility rather than rejection. Tell them about the vacation you envisioned and why, and see if, together, you can figure out a way to still make that happen.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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