Dear Eric: What is the kindest way to end friendships?
In the past, I have prided myself on being a good, loyal friend and therefore have friendships that last a very long time, some spanning decades now. However, through therapy, I have become more in tune with how I feel when I’m around people.
I have a few friends with whom I consistently leave our interactions feeling drained and anxious. The primary reason I leave feeling bad is that these friends will often speak poorly of other people, so I am always wondering what they’re saying about me behind my back.
But more than that, I realize I also just don’t have strong “friendship chemistry” with them, despite knowing them for a long time.
All of this contrasts with other long-term friendships I have where I eagerly anticipate our get togethers and we spend the whole time either laughing or having meaningful conversations. I leave those interactions feeling seen and rejuvenated. My time is more limited these days and I really want to spend my energy on my family and relationships that bring joy (and no judgment).
More plainly, I just don’t want to continue these other friendships right now.
My issue is that I feel horribly guilty about this. These friends continue to reach out to invite me to events, dinners, one-on-one get togethers.
I’ve scaled back saying yes to the point where I can tell they’re a little confused, possibly hurt. Eric, these are people who I’ve been through a lot of significant life events with—weddings, breakups, deaths in the family, births of our children. They’re not bad people and I feel like I’m not doing right by them to just continue quietly slipping away. But what could I say that wouldn’t just make this situation more hurtful?
—End of Friendship
Dear Friendship: The hard truth is that a friendship breakup is likely to hurt no matter what. You can make it gentle or severe, but regardless your friends will have to mourn the relationship that was and process their feelings over what they had hoped to be. It’s not your responsibility to do that work for them.
However, treating this relationship transition with kindness, directness, and respect is your responsibility. To that end, continuing to scale back without explanation is only going to prolong and perhaps exacerbate the hurt.
It may seem counterintuitive but saying something direct and definitive might be the kindest option because your friends won’t have lingering questions or get stuck filling in the blanks.
When you talk to them, express your gratitude for the friendship you’ve had and acknowledge the truth that you’re in a different place in life. People grow apart. We can often find our ways back to each other, but sometimes we need to just acknowledge the distance.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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