Dear Eric: One of my best friends, who is a lesbian, just met a girl two weeks ago and they’ve already said “I love you” to each other. The other girl seems genuinely lovely, and my friend is very happy, which makes me happy!
Not only is this moving very quickly, but the other girl just got out of an engagement in June. It seems clear that she’s still processing this because, when I met her, she spent most of the time talking about all her issues with her ex. Going from being engaged to one person to telling another you love them, in the span of two months, feels jarring to me.
How should I feel? Do I need to feel a certain way? Do I just support my friend and see how it goes?
—Cautious Friend
Dear Cautious Friend: There are times when support means going with the flow and hoping for the best. But there are other times when support means pulling your friend aside and saying, “this seems a little much to me; I care about you, and I have some concerns.”
You’re in the latter situation. Expressing concern or caution won’t stop her from being in love and, when properly conveyed, won’t make your friend feel you don’t support her. It’s important to emphasize that you’re not telling her to do anything. You’re simply reflecting back what you’re seeing. Perspective and another set of eyes can be a gift, even if she doesn’t quite have the same view.
Love, especially early love, can be like driving a car down an empty desert road, where you don’t quite realize how fast you’re going until you look at the speedometer. Without landmarks or other cars, it’s hard to gauge. In the realm of love, friends can be another car on the road. You’re not getting into her driver’s seat or slashing her tires. You’re driving alongside her and asking “did you know that this was fast? What would happen if you slowed down and enjoyed the view a little?”
She may say that’s not her style or not necessary. That’s fine. It’s not up to you to control her, nor do you have to feel a certain way about every aspect of her relationship. What’s most important is that she knows she has someone who is looking out for her, and who sees and hears her.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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