Dear Eric: I have two daughters that are estranged. I do not want to get in the middle of it, but it is getting ridiculous.
Daughter #1 did not want daughter #2 to marry her choice in husbands but she did anyway.
Now, a few years have passed and the situation is worse. Daughter #1 will not communicate with #2 and won’t even acknowledge her new baby and even seeing a photo of the baby can set her off. The hate for #2’s husband (who is a very good father and husband) is so bad that #1 says she won’t even set foot in the same state as him. Daughter #1’s husband seems to support her in whatever choices she makes.
They live in separate states and do not live near me either so until my funeral, they probably won’t see each other. Do I continue to ignore this situation in hopes time will be the great healer?
— Sad Mother
Dear Sad Mother: From the way you’ve described things, this conflict is fairly one-sided. Daughter #1 made an ultimatum that wasn’t hers to make, and is now punishing your second daughter—and, by extension, the rest of the family—because of it. Surely there’s more to it (there always is) but I can’t really blame Daughter #2 for saying “enough is enough.”
I’m tempted to say ignore it, but judging by the amount of information you know about the situation, it seems that you’re hearing updates anyway. Inserting yourself into this situation will only cause more stress. However, you can think critically about how this estrangement is impacting your individual relationships with each daughter and respond from that place.
You may need to tell one or both of them that you’re stepping back from hearing about it and, by extension, worrying about it, to preserve your own peace. Alternatively, if their refusal to see each other is keeping you from something you want or need, you can tell them that, too.
You likely can’t bridge the gap between them, but you can keep your relationship with each of them healthier by knowing when to say, “I love you both but you’re adults and I’m going to let you handle this how you see fit.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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