Dear Eric: One of my daughters-in-law has always been easy to offend. It runs in her family, with people being shunned for years. I’ve tried to be loving and caring, but I always come up short.
Eighteen months ago, she had a medical emergency, and our son asked us to come. While at their home, my daughter-in-law started talking about their finances and asking my opinion about what they should do. I suggested that perhaps they should start planning for the future instead of living in the moment. All seemed fine for a bit. Then came the anger, hurt, and all that goes with it.
I realized later that she wanted me to offer to help them out financially. We are retired, and we make almost a third of what they bring in.
She stopped speaking to us, and we left. She cut off all contact with us just after sending me a really hateful email.
She also told one of our adult grandchildren I had said things about that grandchild that were not true.
Now, our son is making overtures on behalf of his wife to just forgive and forget. I have actually enjoyed not having to guard every word I say and all the drama that goes with that. I don’t believe I can trust her any more than I did before. I just don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I hate that, but it’s true. Any advice?
—No Offense Intended
Dear No Offense: I see red flags all over the place here. So many flags it looks like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. It’s unconscionable that she lied to her child about you; it’s awful that she cut off contact after you declined to give her money; it’s concerning that she’s so quick to take offense. Legitimate offense is one thing, but the way she deploys it seems more manipulative. You’re right to not want to be involved in the manipulation.
Your son wants you to forgive and forget, but has she actually asked for forgiveness? Or reached out to you at all? I’m not saying one can’t forgive without an apology, but she crossed multiple lines, and she needs to own up to that.
I’m a fan of “forgive and remember” sometimes. She has a pattern of behavior that makes it hard to trust her again without change. Ideally, you’d be able to have a conversation with her in which you told her how her actions affected you, and she made amends. If she won’t do that, it’s wise to keep a polite distance.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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