Dear Eric: My two children have started to become friends with the two children who live next door, which is great. They’re similar ages, and I generally get along with their mother while we stand outside and supervise.
The problem is that my older child, who is five, has started to ask about playing at the neighbor’s home instead of in the front yard. I am not OK with that.
The neighbors are fine at arm’s length, but there is for sure domestic violence in their relationship. It isn’t a daily occurrence, but there is alcohol abuse, visible injuries, and the police.
How can I explain to my child that while the neighbor kids are fun and we can be friends, we are not going to visit them in their home? I also don’t want my child saying anything that will hurt her friends’ feelings, because the situation certainly isn’t their fault.
— Cautious playtime
Dear Cautious playtime: There are many things from which parents want to shield their children, things that the children aren’t yet equipped to understand. So, a succinct but firm explanation may leave some things unanswered for your kids while still keeping them safe.
Try an explanation that keeps the focus on yourself, like “I need to see you when you’re playing, and I don’t have time to go over to the neighbors’ house.” Or “I’m more comfortable with you all playing in the yard.”
You can also invite the neighbor children over to yours instead.
While the neighbor’s children aren’t your responsibility, you are an adult who has eyes on them at times and is aware of some of the dysfunction in the house. There may come a time that you see something that makes you concerned for their welfare. Be proactive about reaching out for help for them, and for their parents.
Similarly, if you have the opportunity, check in with one or both of the neighbors individually to see if they need outside support or a connection to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/1-800-799-SAFE).
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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