Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We’re both in good health. We have one child who is an adult and lives independently but close by.
My husband and I enjoy marijuana now that it has been legalized in our state. Between the two of us, we smoke one joint after 7 p.m. about four days a week. We also enjoy it on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.
Lately, when our adult child has been over to visit and we step away to share a joint, they’ll comment, “I thought you only smoked on these days” or something to that extent. I feel like they’re keeping tabs on us or even judging us by saying, “OK” in a disapproving way.
We are never in a “far out” state of mind after we smoke (or eat edibles). It relaxes us to enjoy music, watch a funny movie or program until we get tired and go to bed. If we had to go somewhere in an emergency, we would Uber it. Our adult child is aware of this.
I’d like to mention that up to a year ago, this adult child smoked marijuana with us at times. They had some health issues that have since been taken care of. They’re not anti-marijuana but seem to be focusing on our use. It makes me uneasy in my own home when this happens. Sometimes we have to “sneak” it in while they’re visiting to avoid any questions/comments.
When these comments start coming, I want to tell this adult child that it’s none of their business what we do in our home. I feel policed and judged by them. I also feel like I don’t have to explain anything. Any advice?
— Senior High
Dear Senior High: Bring it up to your child in a neutral manner and ask your adult child to have a discussion with you about it. Start by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that when we smoke, you often comment.” Then explain how you feel when that happens and ask them if you’re reading the situation in the way they’re intending. Something like, “When that happens, it makes me wonder if you think we’re using marijuana too much. Do you?”
The goal of the conversation is to get and give more information. Maybe your child’s response is more about their own journey, and they don’t realize how they’re coming off. Or maybe they do have concerns. If the latter turns out to be the case, it’s better for both of you that those concerns are verbalized. It’s up to you whether you agree with those concerns and whether you decide to make a change. But by opening the door to a conversation about what’s being said, you free both yourself and your child from interior narratives that can cause resentments.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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