Dear Eric: A few years ago, I noticed a change in a close friend of more than four decades. She is beloved, kind, supportive, and generous and has been a great friend over the decades. Yet, she has become more strident in her opinions, almost to the point of bullying.
She wasn’t always like this. Her husband and I are the main recipients of this behavior—I’ve seen her make fun of her husband in front of other people, but he just shrugs it off. I don’t see her doing this to her other friends and family members.
The last time I saw her, over a month ago, she called me stupid in front of other friends at a group dinner when I politely disagreed with her on a topic and a mutual friend in the group called her out on it. My friend never apologized to me. This was hurtful, and at this point, I am inclined to distance myself from her, although this is very painful because she has been an important part of my life and I’ve been a loyal friend to her.
I’m tired of being her punching bag and I don’t know why she does this, but I also don’t know what to do about it anymore.
—Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend: Different aspects of our personalities can emerge as we age, so it’s possible that this is a normal, if unfortunate, new side to your friend. But it’s also possible that it’s health-related. Though her husband shrugs it off, it’s worth talking to him about whether he’s noticed any other signs of a problem and how he can help his wife to seek treatment.
With regard to your friendship, however, you should be clear that in order to remain in a relationship, you need an apology, an acknowledgment of the way you feel, and a change. Even if a more irritable side of her personality has emerged, there’s no excuse for cruelty. Give her a chance to make this right before stepping away for good.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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