Dear Eric: My son is 35, and his new girlfriend of three months is 32. They’re both very smart and well-educated. I enjoy my time with her except when she talks about him like he’s not there and puts him down. She says things like, “Well, I told your son to do this and, of course, he didn’t” or “I told him this, he didn’t think that was right, and, of course, I was right, and he was wrong.” He laughs it off, she laughs it off, and I change the subject and laugh it off.
But it’s not funny to me. I have my own experience of living with a manipulative person who started small and grew, basically controlling my whole life. She really likes me, and aside from this, I like her as well. I don’t want to overstep my bounds at all. What should I do? I’m just uncomfortable with it and I don’t know what to do.
—Uncomfortable Mom
Dear Uncomfortable Mom: As it’s only been three months, your son and his girlfriend are still learning their relationship, and you’re still learning your relationship with his girlfriend. This is a great time to define a boundary for yourself and incorporate it into how you and the girlfriend interact.
Because she’s directing her comments to you, it’s not overstepping to tell her, “This isn’t a way I like to be spoken to about my son. Let’s find a different way of talking.” It can be gentle but firm. It need not create conflict. She may come from a family that needles or teases or have seen relationships where this behavior was modeled. That doesn’t mean it has to stand, especially with you.
It’s up to your son and his girlfriend to define how they want to communicate with each other, but you’ll be setting a good example for both of them if you clearly communicate to her what you’re hearing and what might be getting in the way of more closeness. She may think she’s joking, but she’s misreading her audience, and you should tell her that.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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