Dear Eric: My mother and her caretaker came to visit for two days. My mother has some form of dementia, even though we all feel that at times she plays it up.
My mother never missed an opportunity to hit or slap me as a child and once even broke a wooden fanny wacker over my head, which really enraged her. I think you get the picture.
Anyway, we went to dinner, and she looked at me and said, “Oh look, a stray hair,” and pulled it out of my head! She did not try to move it or let me move it over. It was especially upsetting for me because I have been trying to grow my hair out after I lost it all to chemotherapy.
I have made it clear to her caregiver that I will not be coming to visit her anymore. I feel that she has overstepped my physical integrity, and I get the willies whenever she tries to touch me.
During my last visit with her, there were times that she did not know who I was, and I did not feel safe with her.
Am I wrong after this incident to not want to see her again. Despite everything, I have always been a dutiful daughter, but I just feel that she crossed a line this time that I can’t deal with anymore.
—Hurt daughter
Dear Hurt daughter: Your mother’s abuse in the past is inexcusable. You don’t have to subject yourself to it in the present. You can and should prioritize keeping yourself emotionally and physically safe.
Figure out what boundary feels right. That might mean no more physical contact, only phone calls and video visits.
This is not cruel abandonment—she has a caretaker and, from your telling, her past behavior and her present capacity may make in-person meetings dangerous for both of you.
Talk to her caretaker about the boundary you’re setting and get the caretaker’s help to continue to support your mother in whatever way feels safe without compromising your own well-being.
I know that this phase of life takes a lot of time and mental energy, but when you do find space, please talk to a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend about what you experienced.
What happened to you wasn’t right and you didn’t deserve it. You deserve the space and time to process it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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