Dear Eric: For many years, three friends and I have gotten together for lunch once a month. The venue changes each time, and we decide then where and when we will meet the next month.
Three of us write down the information, and the fourth person may or may not jot it down.
The next month comes and three of us show up at the appointed time. Pat does not. So, someone calls her to remind her, even though a reminder message is sent to everyone that morning before we meet. She says she forgot, and we wait for her to come.
This last week it happened again. I strongly urged the others not to call her—the natural consequence is that she misses joining us this time. One of the other gals said she was absolutely calling her, that we can’t give up on our longtime friend. To me it is not giving up on her, but it may suggest that she be more responsible. Who is right? Or do we just continue to enable her?
—No More Reminders
Dear No More Reminders: If this has been going on for years, it seems likely that Pat is no longer being irresponsible but rather just following the pattern that the four of you long ago established. Now, to me, this is chaotic—if something isn’t on my calendar, it doesn’t happen. But Pat works in a different way, apparently sitting at home waiting to be summoned to various locations. I’m not saying it’s the best way; but it’s reality.
You don’t have to participate by calling Pat, but I think you set yourself up for ongoing conflict if you keep pressing the issue. If others of your friends are willing to keep calling Pat to remind her, let them.
You might talk to Pat directly about how waiting around impacts the group, and I’d encourage you to talk to your other two friends about ways that you can maximize the time you have together so that you’re not just twiddling your thumbs waiting for Pat. But I don’t think anyone needs to be right here.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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