Dear Eric: We love our daughter-in-law (Beverly) and so does our son. Unfortunately, her parents have some serious health problems. When she and our son come for dinner, my very caring and well-meaning wife often asks how the parents are doing.
I cringe inwardly because I know the news will not be good and it seems to make our DIL sad. (“Well, my dad just got a new feeding tube.”) I care about these people just as much as my wife does, but I feel it would be more sensitive to wait for Beverly to open that conversation. What do you think?
— Really trying
Dear Really trying: The only way to know for sure is to ask Beverly. This can start with the question, “how are you doing?” Sometimes, people in caregiving positions really appreciate an outlet, or a chance to check in with themselves. And, at other times, caregivers just want to have small talk, or a conversation about anything else.
Part of this is between your wife and Beverly. If I were you, I’d resist the urge to tell your wife what to say or not say. But in terms of what you bring to the conversation, you can let your empathy lead to curiosity and be ready to hold whatever Beverly wants to offer.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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