Dear Eric: I have a milestone birthday next year (40!) and have been telling family and friends that I’d like to have a party or gathering with them in my country of birth.
I moved away from home 15 years ago to Europe. My parents, sister and sister’s family all live in the same city in North America, in very close proximity to one another. They see each other at least three times a week, while I travel yearly (at an immense expense) for Christmas to see them (they’ve yet to visit me, even though they’ve all been to Europe, but skipped visiting me).
My sister is also planning on traveling to our birth country, but later in the summer, given that her and my brother-in-law are teachers and can’t take time off beforehand. She wants my parents and me to join her, but I said that my birthday is a milestone birthday, and I’d like to celebrate it on my actual birthday and in the place I was born.
I had told my parents that I’d like them to also travel to our home country for my birthday. Turns out, they’re going to go on the trip with my sister and her family because my mother adores my sister’s infant son. It has made me sad, because my mom’s siblings, my cousins, and some of my best friends will be celebrating with me, but now my mom won’t be in the mix.
My mom is clearly choosing my sister and her family over me. How do I tell her how hurt I am and that I really want her to be there for my birthday?
— Feeling Less Than Loved
Dear Loved: Approach with “I” statements: this is what I was hoping, this is what I’m seeing, this is how I feel, this is what I would like. It’s possible that your family is seeing this as a logistical challenge, rather than an emotional choice.
From what you’ve written, the later trip works better for more of the family. That doesn’t mean your plans aren’t important, simply that they may not see it the way that you do. Being open about your feelings and then listening to the response will help everyone get on the same page.
It still may not be possible for everyone to join you for your birthday, but perhaps you can brainstorm an alternative way to celebrate for those that can’t.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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