Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our early 60s and 70s. We have had some health challenges, but we work hard at eating healthy, exercising, stretching, etc. We try to keep a positive attitude and do as much as we can with our aging bodies. We try not to discuss our aches and pains with our community.
Over the past year, the majority of our friends are spending more and more time discussing their aches, pains and medical problems. Our gatherings seem to be overshadowed by these types of discussions. Most of our friends don’t take care of themselves but run to doctors for lots of procedures to help ease their discomfort.
Could you offer some advice to help us continue to enjoy these friendships but find a way to cope with these depressing discussions?
— The Cup is Half Full
Dear Half Full: Part of a solution is acceptance, and another part involves coaching your friends. I think they have to work hand in hand.
Let’s talk about acceptance first. As our bodies change, especially when they hurt, it can be disorienting and dispiriting. We talk about it as a form of processing, but also so that we know we’re not alone. If my knees hurt and I know that your knees hurt, too, I might feel less self-conscious. So, it will help you to accept that this is how your friends are dealing with reality right now.
From your letter, I suspect that you wish your friends had taken the same approach to fitness and attitude that you have. It will really help you to release them from that expectation. Everyone has a different body and a different mind; we can’t always control what happens to either. So, when you hear a friend complaining, practice reminding yourself, “this is where they are in their life. I don’t have to love everything they say, but I like them for them.”
The other part of it calls for a conversation that doesn’t shy away from the facts. You can tell what you’re noticing and suggest everyone buy in on an alternative. “I’ve noticed that we fall into a pattern of talking about what’s going wrong. That’s sometimes hard for me to handle. Can we try to redirect sometimes?” This might look like agreeing as a group on a warning word when the conversation gets to be too much for someone. Or you can take the lead on starting conversations with prompts about what’s going right, what memories they cherish, or what they’re looking forward to.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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