Dear Eric: I met a person with similar interests through her parents. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Because she is an academic, she has no money. She lives with her parents in a retirement community. She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board. She refuses to get a job to help her situation.
Before I realized what was happening, I paid for all the dinners and drinks. I also paid for a group trip abroad for both of us. While there, she roomed with me, but I barely saw her. She missed tour days because she stayed out until 3 a.m. and spent the next day in bed. She bought things she wanted for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me.
I finally woke up and saw how this friendship was going. I have been overwhelmed with family deaths and my husband and I working on big projects around the house. She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents. I feel used and barely text back any longer. I feel a little bad about blowing her off, but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of.
Suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I feel guilty but angry at the same time. Do I continue avoiding her until she finally leaves?
— Reluctant Friend
Dear Reluctant Friend: Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation. Better to address this head-on and see if there’s a path forward. You two have different attitudes about money. Hers comes across as immature, if I’m being my most generous, predatory if I’m being less so. But you’ve offered her so much generosity already, what’s the harm in extending a little more for a moment? She’s not earning money right now and her room and board are paid for, plus her new friend very graciously offered to cover drinks, meals, and trips. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect a person to feel and show gratitude for these things, but I can also see how that could be a growing edge for her.
Friendships can help us mature, especially when there’s a little conflict. So, tell her why the friendship isn’t working for you right now, and see if she’s capable of showing up for you in a different way.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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