Dear Eric: I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) as an adult at 23 (I’m 27 now) and have been encountering an issue that is really bothering me. A few times, I have been told that I’m rude or antisocial, and sometimes even ungrateful. I always follow up by asking why these people think that, and they’ll respond with things like I don’t say “thank you” enough or I butt into a conversation or it seemed like I didn’t want to talk to them.
I have been going to therapy and talking with other people with ASD and have found that this is something other autistic people run into as well. I hate to use the excuse “I’m autistic and don’t mean to/don’t realize I’m coming off as rude,” but I’m not sure how else to go about it.
Communicating my feelings can be difficult for me, and I’m distressed that this is happening. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do?
—Trying to Be Better
Dear Better: Think of these situations not as flaws you have to make up for, but as instances where communication styles just didn’t match up. You have a different way of communicating and navigating the world; this doesn’t make you rude.
I’d encourage you to not think of “I’m autistic” as an excuse and instead to think of it as a way of giving others information that will make communication easier on both sides. When you give context about how you communicate, you can help others readjust their expectations.
Whether we’re neurodivergent or not, we can all benefit from taking a step back and talking about how we communicate. This column is often filled with letters from people experiencing issues because one party (or both) didn’t say “this is how I receive information; this is how I communicate information; this is what I’m trying to say.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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