Dear Eric: I am a mid-60s married woman. I have been in a deep friendship for a couple of years with a married male colleague in his 30s. Neither of us is the other’s supervisor. There is no romantic connection, but we are very much best friends, and we adore each other. We share much in common, such as interests outside work. We text each other a ton and have so much fun spending time or talking with each other. We are also very supportive and love each other, but in a platonic way. Our spouses know of our deep friendship and neither has expressed a problem. Neither of us have hidden anything from our spouses. I have friends who think my friendship with my male friend is inappropriate. He has friends who have said the same. We don’t dare invite each other to social events where we might normally invite a good friend of the same gender and age group. Is what we are doing wrong? Should we end our friendship? Is this an age thing? A gender thing? Should we say to hell with others and act like BFFs and invite each other to social events? I am so confused as he is my best friend.
— BFF
Dear BFF: Tell your naysaying friends to back off and butt out. Respectfully. Or not! They’re problematizing a perfectly normal, innocent friendship and, in so doing, creating drama where there needn’t be any.
Let’s look at the facts: you and your BFF have a deep connection. What a gift to find a friend in this life. You’re clear about where you stand and neither has muddled or inappropriate feelings. You have open communication with your spouses. So, no one who has any real stake in the relationship has a problem with it. The friends who are giving their commentary don’t have a penny in that nickel, as the saying goes. So, their two cents aren’t worth much.
If I had to guess, I’d say you’re right: it’s probably an age and gender thing. Maybe your friends haven’t seen a platonic intergenerational friendship or a healthy friendship between a man and a woman. But just because they haven’t witnessed it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This is a good lesson for all kinds of situations: just because you’re unfamiliar with something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or is wrong.
So, invite your BFF out if you want. Have fun and don’t let your other friends dim your shine. Perhaps they’re the ones who should skip a social event or two.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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