Dear Eric: I am an adult woman who lives several states away from my father. He’s coming to visit me for the first time in years, and I’m looking forward to clearing the air with him on some issues from childhood.
When he comes, he will insist on going out to eat at some restaurants as that is one of his favorite things to do. His pattern, his entire adult life, is to find as much as possible about the service and/or food to complain to the server about, and it is embarrassing. He will not stop until the manager basically comes over to kiss his feet.
We’ve confronted him about this before, and he says, “If I owned the restaurant, I would appreciate the feedback.” Throughout my childhood, this would happen at least twice weekly.
I will no longer be a part of this restaurant ritual he has, especially because I live in a very small town. In the past, I’ve tried cooking before he gets a chance to go to the restaurant, but he’ll go anyway and feign ignorance that I had cooked.
How do I talk to him about my new restaurant boundaries when I’d rather prioritize other, more important issues we’ve had? He will insist on restaurants while here. I’m worried, if I bring up too many issues, he’ll shut down.
— Out to Eat
Dear Out to Eat: You two have a lot to work through, so an agenda of sorts will be useful. And it will be helpful to set it and your expectations for it, in advance.
Part of this intention-setting should involve locations. “I want to talk with you and heal some things in our relationship, and it won’t work to have these conversations in public, like at a restaurant. So, let’s agree to spend time together at my home, and then if you want to go out to eat, maybe we treat that as a time of separate reflection or recharging. I won’t be joining you at restaurants on this trip.”
I understand the struggle to resist someone who is insisting, especially a parent with seemingly overbearing tendencies. But you don’t have to leave your house. He can complain and insist, but here and elsewhere, “No” is a complete sentence.
And if you establish beforehand what your agenda is, where your visit will happen, and where it won’t, you have something to fall back on. “No, this is what I said I needed. But you go and enjoy yourself.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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