Dear Eric: I have been friends with “Betty” for many years. We were extremely close. A few years ago, she and her family moved out of state. Before that, I had begun to feel distant.
I felt obligated to remain close because she helped me through things. It was easier once they moved out of state. I visited them a couple of times, but after the last time, I lost the desire to visit again.
Recently, she sent me a video that she found humorous. It had a religious content, and I took offense because it poked fun at men and how they are worthless. I did let her know I was offended. She claims to be a Christian, but that video is a contradiction. I’m thinking of further distancing from this friendship. What do you think?
— Stepping Away
Dear Stepping Away: Respectfully, I think you might be looking for a reason to step away when, in reality, the reason is just that you’ve grown apart.
Even if the video was offensive and serves as evidence of a growing disconnect between you, it’s healthier not to make it the center of the issue. Instead, you can have a conversation about the state of the friendship. Like every other relationship, friendships evolve, connections fade, ties untie and re-tie.
Talking to Betty about the places where you’ve grown apart might feel awkward at first, but it will give you both the opportunity to be intentional about your language so that no one misunderstands. It also allows for the both of you to care for each other, even as you step away from each other.
Dear Eric: I wrote to you in January (“Joyful Grandmother”) about my husband’s immature behavior about being a step-grandfather to my young grandson. I had a long talk with him, without shaming, and recently the whole family visited with grandkids sleeping over. He was fully engaged with them and with my sons. He couldn’t resist the 2½-year-old with big blue eyes calling him Grandpa. I feel I had to help him move past the grief about losing his beloved grandmother and feeling unlovable. We all can grow if encouraged. Thank you!
— Joyful Grandmother
Dear Joyful Grandmother: I’m so very happy to receive this update. And what a beautiful (and true) sentiment—with encouragement, so much growth is possible.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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