Dear Eric: I’m writing because something bad happened to my friend, and I might have been able to prevent it. On my friend’s 21st birthday, we met up at a party and started drinking. She drank a lot but seemed to be having fun. Around 10 p.m. I decided to leave because I was tired. I asked if she was OK to get home, and she said yes, but she was clearly drunk.
Then I went home.
Fast-forward to the next day, when she called me from some older man’s house, whom she didn’t remember meeting. She was very stressed about it (he had to be in his 40s).
I’m wondering what the right thing to do was in that situation. She says it’s “no big deal,” but I don’t think it’s “nothing” at all.
On the one hand, I think we should be responsible for ourselves as adults. On the other, she was drunk, and I basically ditched her to go to bed.
What do you think?
—First One to Leave
Dear First One: I’m sorry this happened to your friend. I hope she continues to process it, with you and with a school counselor. There’s a lot of daylight between “a big problem” and “no big deal.” We are allowed to talk through our complicated feelings, even if we don’t feel they’re that big a deal.
Going forward, a buddy system is always recommended when drinking. Leaving her alone wasn’t wrong, but I wouldn’t do it again. When we drink, our judgment gets impaired, and a person alone, with impaired judgment, can be preyed upon. If you’re out with your friend, and you’re ready to go and she’s not, see if there’s another trusted friend nearby who can get her home safe. If not, sometimes you have to call it. A drunk friend may complain in the moment about being loaded into a cab “just when the party was getting good,” but a friend who is safely nursing their hangover in their own home the next morning will thank you.
Also, remember that neither of you has to drink in order to have fun. And be careful as you learn about alcohol’s effect on you. Less is always more.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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