Dear Eric: My husband of 15 years suddenly tells me he fathered a daughter outside of our marriage. She is 5 years old.
He wants to bring the child to me to be her mother and bring her up as my own. What disturbed me is he kept this from me for five years. I am deeply hurt and betrayed. Please, how do I handle these situations?
— Betrayed wife
Dear Betrayed wife: There’s a lot to be disturbed by here. First and of chief importance, your husband doesn’t have a unilateral say over what happens to this little girl. Presuming that her mother is still alive, she has legal rights. Whoever has custody of the child currently also has legal rights and responsibilities. If the child is in crisis, the situation is a little different, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Either way, whatever plan your husband has worked out needs to follow the proper channels. This means that a family court or social worker may need to weigh in before the child changes residences. At the very least, a legal custody agreement needs to be reached. If he hasn’t shared any planning of this sort with you, then that’s a good place to start the conversation.
But word one in any conversation needs to be the answer to the question: do you, letter writer, want to raise a child with your husband? I daresay you don’t, at least not right now. You’re reeling from a betrayal that he hasn’t yet addressed, at least not according to your letter. It’s inappropriate and unhealthy to bring a child into a home so rife with conflict and hurt. And even if you weren’t hurt, you still have every right to make decisions about when and how you step into parenthood.
He’s gone about this all wrong, and he needs to go back to square one. What does that look like? It starts with an apology, an acknowledgment of what he did wrong, and a request for forgiveness. Then, a conversation about the state of your marriage. I’d suggest, at the very least, marriage counseling, to get you both on the same page. And you should explore individual counseling, as well. You have a say here, including a say in whether you decide to stay in this marriage.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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