Dear Eric: My friend and I have been very close for more than 50 years. Even though we live states apart, we always got together at least two or three times a year, usually for international travel.
Over the last three years, something has changed, and now I rarely hear from her, much less see her. It started after we got together for a domestic holiday, and it seemed that she was having cognitive issues. I’ve reached out to her husband several times, but he always says that she has had several tests run, and they cannot see any issue.
For the third year in a row, she did not acknowledge my birthday, Thanksgiving, or Christmas. This is a friend who always sent gifts! I’ve continued to reach out by text and snail mail. I’ve kind of decided to let the relationship go but am having a hard time with it. We’ve always been very, very close. What is your take?
— Distant Friend
Dear Distant Friend: It’s true that friendships often go through seasons and that sometimes a good relationship will run its course with no fault on either side. But that doesn’t seem like the case here. Even if your friend isn’t experiencing cognitive issues, age, emotions, and other life factors may still be prompting changes she isn’t tracking.
It’s telling that her husband told you that they’ve run several tests, suggesting that they are also curious about changes they’re noticing, and perhaps even concerned.
With regard to your question about letting go of the friendship, I’d suggest you do the opposite. You may have to let go of some aspects of the friendship—communication patterns and styles may change; you may not travel together anymore.
But if you’re not hearing back from her and there’s no apparent cause, it may be time to pay her a visit. It’s probably best that you stay elsewhere and perhaps come up with a schedule that doesn’t require her to entertain you. Let her know you’ll be in town, of course, and also communicate with her husband, if possible, so this doesn’t read as an ambush.
You may find that she’s still not responsive; if that’s the case, it’s best to accept that. But you may find that the kind of communication you’ve been missing can still happen face-to-face.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
