Dear Eric: I had a pancreas transplant in 2018. Due to this, along with celiac disease, I’m on a very restricted and medically controlled diet. There are very few things I can safely eat. However, I find during the holidays, people attempt to make me special food during parties and get-togethers.
I normally do not eat at other people’s homes due to food preparation and sanitary concerns for my transplant, as well as not being able to verify a gluten-free environment when the food was made.
How should I handle when people bring food to these gatherings or mention that they made me something special? I don’t want to be rude because I know it was done in love, but I also don’t want to get sick or risk cross-contamination. How should I respond without hurting someone’s feelings?
— Medically Compromised
Dear Medically Compromised: You and your medical team are the experts on keeping yourself healthy and safe. So, don’t be afraid to be clear with friends about what you will and won’t do. If bruised feelings occur, those friends may not be listening to or believing you in the way that they need to, so the onus is on them.
When talking about your practices regarding food, frame them as universal, rather than personal, and non-negotiable. “It’s so thoughtful of you to make me something. But I can’t eat anything outside of the home because there are too many variables. It’s not about you; I would eat it if I could and I appreciate the thought.”
In some cases, it can be helpful to let your hosts know in advance, perhaps when you’re RSVPing. “For the ease of your planning, I wanted to remind you that I don’t eat outside of the home for medical reasons. So, no need to prepare anything for me. But don’t worry: I’ll have a wonderful time regardless.”
Dear Eric: For years, I’ve seen the same complaints about gift-receivers who are unhappy about the gifts they receive (ugly, wrong size, wrong style, not needed, not wanted, etc.), yet they cannot find a way out of this circle. For many years, I was also on the receiving end of gifts that were lovingly wrapped and gifted. I understand that for many people the best part of Christmas is to send a beautifully wrapped and thoughtful gift.
I’ve discovered that when people ask, “What do you want?” and “I need a list for you/your family”, it’s coming from a place of love, not to terrorize you. However, I also know that I am one of the lucky people that needs nothing and wants for nothing.
My response is to request gifts of sheets, towels, blankets, cookware, dishes, suitcases, etc., and I happily donate these items to a homeless or rehoming shelter. My relatives are none the wiser, and I’m able to send a truly heartfelt thank you note with how much I love these thoughtful gifts.
— Lucky to Need Nothing
Dear Lucky to Need Nothing: This is a lovely solution. Others who are trying this tactic this year might also consider letting their loved ones know about the donation plan so that the loved ones aren’t looking for that special Crockpot the next time they visit.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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