Dear Eric: My 80-year-old sister lives alone after her husband passed away a long time ago and has no children. She lies so much that it’s upsetting.
She lies to everyone around her about her previous job and even her education. She even tells the senior center that her children live out of state.
She used to be a poet and published two books, but she lied about her education in the author bios.
I’ve repeatedly told her that lying is wrong, but she refuses to listen to my advice. It’s sad that I can’t respect her like this, but sometimes I even hate her. What should I do as her sister? I want to be honest with everyone around me about my sister, but I also have to consider her pride.
— Upset Younger Sister
Dear Upset Younger Sister: Lying this much indicates that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps it’s psychological, perhaps it’s emotional. Perhaps she’s trying to cope with grief or disappointment or shame. It’s not for me to diagnose.
While I understand the frustration that her lying causes you, it’s also important to consider that this behavior has likely caused problems for her. It’s unlikely that you’re the only person who has caught her in this. It may seem, to her, like a solution, but it’s also a source of chaos in her life.
At this point, the best path forward may be to accept that this is a choice that she’s making, for better or for worse. That doesn’t mean condoning it. Indeed, it’s probably best to think about what internal boundaries you need to set up to preserve some part of this relationship. You may need to hear less about her life, for instance.
Setting up these boundaries will also help you release the need to talk to everyone around you about her. Her lying is her problem; by continuing to bring it up to others, you’re making it your problem, too, which isn’t helping you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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