Dear Eric: My husband and I have been going through some very tough times this past year and a half. My husband hurt his back very badly at work, and he was given no disability or compensation. We have a court date in July to see about his case. He has been out of work due to his condition, which is very stressful, and we are spending money only on necessities such as toilet paper, toothpaste, and basic needs. We are on food assistance, which helps greatly.
I was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and have had two lumpectomies and a half-breast removal. I am going through radiation and have numerous doctor’s appointments.
We have two daughters and three grandchildren. We only spend our gas money going to and from doctor’s appointments, radiation, and the grocery store. Both of my daughters have birthdays coming up, and, of course, Christmas has just passed. We were unable to afford the gas money to go visit them.
I am beside myself that we are completely unable to see all of them, let alone send them Christmas gifts.
One of my daughters sent us some gifts, and I am unable to do the same. I really hope they understand. I just don’t know how to tell them without burdening them with our problems or having them feel sorry for us. That’s the last thing I want.
—Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty: I’m so sorry to read about what you’re going through. Health challenges are hard enough without having to navigate financial struggles and legal logistics. This is a hard time. One of the more difficult parts of hard times is letting it be hard. We want to fix, we want it to be better, we want to go back to normal, of course we do.
It’s important to remember that generosity from others—in good times and bad—isn’t an invoice that we have to scramble to repay somehow. People give of their time, their attention, and their resources out of the goodness of their hearts, or because they see a need, or because they care. So, instead of seeing your daughter’s gift as a reminder of what you can’t offer this year, try to think of it as an invitation to be cared for right now.
Think about Christmas lists. Sometimes it can be frustrating not knowing what someone wants. We say, “tell me what to get you.” That same concept can apply for intangible gifts. When we share where we are in life and what we need, we better equip our loved ones to support us, show up for us, and express their love.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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