Dear Eric: I am married to a wonderful woman who is a fixer of things. It’s not either of our first marriages, and we have a large, blended family of adult children, some with spouses and children, that generally gets along well.
One of her kids brought up the idea of a family beach vacation. There’s a group chat with her children that I haven’t seen, but when my wife was talking to one of the kids, it became apparent that the group isn’t going to invite my children.
At first, I thought this was a problem, but the more I think about it, I believe it’s a bit of nostalgia for their childhood trips that also acknowledges there are more people now involved by bringing spouses and children but still feeling like it’s their core sibling group.
I think my issue is with my wife. She received this news as a slight and presented it to me that way, which originally led me down that path. She then offered her ideas to mitigate the issue, which also reinforced the idea of a slight. Her idea is to have a separate trip with my kids and maybe invite some other family as well. The more I think about it, a separate trip would seem to reinforce the idea of a rift.
I believe she is trying to insert herself and make an issue where I don’t think there is one. How do I get her to allow me to think through this issue, or future issues, without offering ways to fix it? Or am I just trying to keep the peace by not pushing for my kids to be included?
—Slightly Confused Dad
Dear Dad: Sometimes fixers see a mess far down the path and rush ahead, broom in hand, to try to get it cleaned up before anyone else reaches it. What they fail to understand is that what may seem like a mess from afar can be just fine by the time you reach it. Or might never have been a mess to begin with.
She’s trying to manage your feelings and those of your kids when she would be more successful asking you your feelings and then listening to them.
People who are fixers often think that everyone else’s emotions are their responsibility. This can be a real challenge. But, in turn, it’s not your responsibility to fix this for her.
Instead, tell her clearly what you’re feeling: “I don’t see this as a problem, and I would strongly prefer that we stay out of it. It’s kind of you to think of my kids, but this solution is creating tension for me, and I believe it will cast your kids’ trip in a light that does more harm than good.” Then ask her if she can respect the way you feel.
Respect opens up a lot of doors. You can then ask her to say more about how she feels and tell her that you respect that as well. All your children are adults, and adults should be entrusted with managing their own feelings and having conversations when those feelings are hurt (this doesn’t always happen, but it’s possible). Ask her to compromise by letting your children handle this on their own. If they need her to fix it, they’ll ask.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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