Dear Eric: I am a clergy person with a comfortable office/study at the church building. I love the space. It’s where the great bulk of my work gets done. I also love my wife.
But she is pretty boundaryless regarding my office space. This is problematic for a few reasons. One is that I often have confidential information about parishioners on my desk. Sometimes, notes on financial aid we’ve given or notes on a pastoral counseling situation.
These things are not lying out in the open, but my spouse will come into the office and, as she talks, will casually flip through paperwork on my desk. It’s not cool.
I understand that the pastor’s office/study is a unique space where many people come and expect to feel right at home, but she is constantly coming in, moving things, using it for her own storage, or making “suggestions” or criticisms about the decor. (In general, her things expand to fill the available space at home and in her classroom, too.)
I’ve tried every kind way I can to address the concern I have with all of this. But it leads to defensiveness and arguments. What advice would you give a guy who just wants his office to be his office?
—Seeking Sanctuary
Dear Sanctuary: Put a lock on the door. If you’ve got confidential material in the office, it’s probably a good idea for it to be secured, anyway.
I’m a little hazy about why she has so much access to the office — is she coming from home to the church on a regular basis? Or do you also live at the church? Either way, it’s simply not communal married property; it belongs to your job. She can respect that or she can learn how to pick a lock.
That said, a lock only solves part of the problem. The larger issue is that your wife is showing a profound lack of respect for your job, your space, and the privacy of your parishioners. This is dangerous for your church and also for your marriage.
At this point, I’d suggest you talk it through in marriage counseling. If she’s responding with defensiveness about moving things into your office and looking at papers, you’ve asked her not to, it’s hard to see a path forward without a neutral third party who can help sort out what’s going on.
As you well know, a counselor can help you both hear each other more clearly and, ideally, can help her see the problem and choose other behaviors.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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