Dear Eric: My spouse and I are senior citizens, and we occasionally have small gatherings, or what I intended to be small gatherings. The last couple gatherings have turned into large gatherings due to other people being brought by the invited guests.
I know the uninvited people but as an acquaintance.
Neighbors that live on our block see the cars arriving at our house and just come on over. I’m very reluctant to do any more entertaining now. Any suggestions?
— Overfull House
Dear Overfull House: Being proactive about communicating what is and is not possible will be helpful. When next you send out invitations, for instance, you can include a friendly but clear caveat like, “we’re keeping this gathering small, so please, only invited guests this time.” Or you can be even lighter with it, “we know our parties are the events of the year, but please check with us before bringing anyone else.”
You can use the same tactic with your neighbors, perhaps by phone or in person. “We wanted to give you a heads-up that we’ll be having a couple of people over, so you may see the cars in the neighborhood. This is a small gathering so please don’t feel offended that we don’t have space for you. However, we’d love to get together another time.” (You can choose to exclude that last sentence if it doesn’t apply. You’re under no obligation to offer alternative plans.)
Some people may need a bit more firmness, however. A neighbor simply deciding that they’re invited to any gathering on the block suggests either presumptuousness or a level of neighborly familiarity on par with “Sesame Street” (not a bad thing, at all. But, as your letter reflects, sometimes an obstacle.) So, if a neighbor shows up, even after you’ve communicated your intentions for the event, you may have to turn them away, with a smile.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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