Dear Eric: My sister-in-law is ill and not expected to live much longer. My brother has already commented that he is looking forward to traveling with my wife and me after she passes since we have common interests (think golfing vacations) and all get along well.
The problem is he isn’t comfortable with silence, and he always has to be productive. These traits are not exactly relaxing to be around. How do I respond when he inevitably asks if he can join us on a golfing vacation?
—Wants to Be Kind
Dear Kind: Proactivity is going to be your friend here. Just as you’d be proactive about planning the logistical details of your vacation—hotel, golf courses, flights, et cetera—you can be proactive about planning the vibe. This way, you don’t have to wait for him to ask to join you. You can lead the conversation on what joining looks like.
Start from a place of possibility. Have a conversation that starts off with the premise “Yes, that might be a fun idea, now how can we make it work together?” Then don’t be afraid to talk about the things that you like to do on vacation and invite him to think about the ways that the things that you like and the things that he likes can coexist.
For example, if he was an early riser and you were a late sleeper, you could tell him that the group should plan to meet up for lunch most days and not before then. When I go on group vacations, I tell my friends that by the third day, I need about six hours of solo exploration time. And on the third day, I go off on my own, I have an adventure, I buy a trinket and I come back refreshed. No one feels upset about this because advocating for what I need in advance doesn’t come across as rejection of the group.
Setting a boundary in a relationship isn’t about pushing the relationship away, it’s about preserving the relationship. He likely knows about his proclivity to chat and keep busy. He might want to invite a friend who also likes to talk. Think of the vacation as a menu: you don’t all have to dine on the same dish, but it’s better to choose in advance rather than wait to see what the kitchen brings out.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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