Dear Eric: My husband and his siblings inherited a home. My daughter offered to move her family into one of the apartments and take care of the property. We decided on a figure that would cover the bills in the form of rent.
Several years ago, she began withholding rent; she would only pay when I would ask for additional money due to a large house expense. In no way did her rent even come close to paying the bills any longer. Rather than argue, I left it alone and quietly paid the bills, letting her live off me for at least four years.
Last year, the family realized that they could no longer keep up the expenses on the home, so it was sold. I arranged with the new owner to let my daughter stay for a monthly rent. She then suddenly moved out, never reached out at Christmas, and was gone with me having no idea where to.
I have been shut out; she no longer texts me and I have heard virtually nothing for months.
Am I the bad guy here? I am not sure what to do, I am beside myself with grief for the loss of my only daughter and her kids. Should I just let this go? We are getting older, and my husband is not well, so it would be nice to at least have family around. His siblings no longer speak with him since the sale of the house, which was quite a mess. Let me know who you think should be the first to try and salvage any sense of relationship.
—Mourning mom
Dear Mourning mom: You’re not the bad guy. You did more than enough to keep your daughter afloat, even at the expense of your own peace of mind and wallet. This is not about you. It’s about her and her actions. I know this is a cold comfort, but it may help to recognize that you’ve been harmed here.
It’s also possible that her actions contributed to the conflict around the sale. This isn’t to say that she’s the bad guy. There are people who are hurting, and there are people who are letting their hurt hurt others.
The book “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman may offer you some insight and solace. It’s possible the foundations of this split may have been laid years ago, and perhaps you’ve been trying to fix a faulty foundation with financial support. It wasn’t the wrong thing to do, but it’s left you without a solution now.
Focusing on your own healing, and perhaps seeing a family therapist with your husband, will help you reframe some of this.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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