Asking Eric: How do I navigate 20 years of family tension at the next gathering?

Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, my husband’s brother and his wife let us know they were going no contact with us. They said it was permanent. When we asked the reasons, we heard we are insensitive and had hurt their feelings beyond repair.

They stopped contact between us and their 3-year-old son and their baby at that time. They said contact with us would damage their children.

Attempts to apologize to them for offenses we barely understand didn’t work. Five years ago, at a family wedding, my brother-in-law spoke with my husband but snubbed me to my face. He wouldn’t even say hello.

Now another family wedding is scheduled next year. I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again. I’m thinking of simply saying hello if I see them and letting it go at that. Any advice will be taken to heart, I am struggling and it’s a year away.

— Contact with No Contact

Dear Contact: It’s clear that the pain from this estrangement is still a powerful force in your life and I’m sorry. Not being able to have a resolving conversation—even if that conversation leads to the end of a relationship—keeps an emotional wound open. It can be disempowering and frustrating.

As you prepare for this next wedding, think about the reality of your relationship in the present (or lack thereof) and what your ideal interaction would be, given those parameters. A simpler way of putting it: all things being equal, you’d want to have a conversation, but things are not equal so what would feel best.

If I could offer a gentle nudge: given the snubbing and their 20 years of estrangement, for you the ideal might be no interaction at all. Think about the needs you have—you want to feel safe emotionally at this wedding. Even saying hello might result in bruised feelings or worse.

However, if you decide that the healthiest thing to do might be focusing on the relationships you have with other relatives and enjoying the wedding with them, you’ll go into the event with achievable expectations.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)