Asking Eric: How do I manage being uncomfortable at my girlfriend’s parties?

Dear Eric: My girlfriend and I have been together for some time. She has a wide circle of friends, some of the closer ones we see regularly, and I always enjoy myself. But several times a year we’re invited to large parties, and I’m invariably uncomfortable there. I simply don’t find them conducive to easy conversation, so I mostly stick to myself, sometimes making a discreet exit and walking around the neighborhood. I recently fessed up to my girlfriend, and she seemed very disappointed. How should I handle this?

—Party Pooper

Dear Party: Your girlfriend may be disappointed that you don’t enjoy the things she enjoys, but I hope she’ll also realize that you made the healthy choice to talk about your needs instead of wallowing in discomfort. While she may envision you joining her wide circle of friends, she also knows you and, one presumes, gets that you’re more introverted.

Assure her that you’re perfectly happy sitting some gatherings out. If there are some gatherings that she would rather not attend solo, talk it through in advance and see if you can compromise. Perhaps you make small talk for half an hour and then give her a kiss and tell her you’ll see her at home. Knowing what the plan is beforehand will help you both manage expectations.

Dear Eric: I enjoy your advice newspaper column a lot. Thank you. I’m writing to comment on the common wording people, including you, use when someone feels hurt by something someone says or does. As a psychotherapist, my perspective is that it is codependent to believe that someone “hurt your feelings.” I believe that it is more accurate and less critical to respond with, “I felt hurt by what you said/did.” Part of the therapy world is learning about communicating with “I” statements vs “you” statements. “I” statements are usually better received than “you” statements and tend to make the receiver feel less criticized and therefore less defensive in response.

—I Statements

Dear I Statements: Thank you so much for pointing this out. It’s so important and yet sometimes I do forget and reference “you” statements. I really appreciate the reminder.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)