Asking Eric: How do I let my nephew know I can’t attend his wedding due to travel costs?

Dear Eric: My godson/nephew is getting married in another state in a few months. I have been invited and have been looking forward to going.

However, as it draws closer, I am not sure I can afford an airplane ticket and the cost of the hotel and other festivities.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I really don’t have the money to attend. How do I gracefully decline without hurting anyone’s feelings?

I also told my brother and his wife that I would split a hotel room with them. I don’t want to make them mad, but I seriously don’t want to go nor have the money to go. How do I handle this?

— Torn aunt

Dear Aunt: When people ask relatives to travel for a wedding, they should—and usually do—recognize that with that ask comes a greater financial burden than a local wedding. Knowing that, they’re also inclined to think about RSVPs differently. So, while your nephew will miss having you at the wedding, he may not be as likely to have hurt feelings as you think he is. Tell him the truth—you have really been looking forward to going but you can’t afford it.

And tell your brother and his wife the same thing. Any one of them may have a solution that you don’t know about or haven’t thought of. And none of them is likely to take it personally. What we spend money on reflects what we value, but it’s not the only way we communicate what’s important to us. Telling your nephew and brother early enough so that they have time to make other plans is also an act of love.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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