Dear Eric: I was in a relationship for 21 years until my ex had a baby on me, and I left him. During my relationship with my ex, I would see this guy from time to time, when me and my ex would break up. So, then he and I started dating, and eventually we became a couple.
A couple months, into the relationship, things changed, and I noticed that I was a handful to deal with. I didn’t realize how hurt I was about my past until I got into a new relationship, and I can admit I saw myself hurting him. He left me, and I don’t blame him.
I really worked on myself, my ways, and everything that I knew was a problem. After two years, we got back together, he noticed the change in me, and we got along great.
One day he got sick and had to get admitted into the hospital. I worked the night shift so I would stay at the hospital all day and leave for work at night.
On the third day of this, I called him to tell him I’m on my way and he told me his ex was there. He said, “Look, you’re not here for me like I need you to be.” He said I should have quit my job when he needed me and stayed with him. Since I didn’t, he got back with his ex.
Now, am I wrong for, first of all, wanting to strangle him for coming back into my life just to leave me again the same way, and in your opinion, how do I move on from this hurt? I don’t want to hurt my next partner if I decide to get into a relationship, but I also don’t want to keep getting hurt either.
— Ready to Move On
Dear Ready: I’m really sorry you experienced this. Your most recent ex had unrealistic expectations of you. It sounds like this relationship didn’t have the most rock-solid of foundations from the get-go, so I’d refrain from strangling him and just consider the relationship a step on your journey, one you needn’t return to.
To move on, first focus on yourself. Be honest about what you needed from previous relationships and what you could and couldn’t give. Make a list of what you’d like in your next relationship. These don’t have to be requirements, but they can be goals. And then when you meet someone new, share with him honestly about where you are emotionally, where you’ve been, and what you hope to build together. Communication is key.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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