Asking Eric: How do I handle a friend who turned others against me?

Dear Eric: Recently, I was trying to figure out how two friends of mine, James and Jon, had decided to stop talking to me and not continue our friendship. It wasn’t based on anything that happened between any of us. But then, upon thinking about what we all had in common, there was our mutual friend Paulo.

And then I realized what must have happened was when Paulo and I were having problems in our friendship, he probably complained to them about me. James and Jon didn’t just drop our friendship out of the blue on their own, but it was heavily influenced by Paulo repeatedly complaining about me, specifically.

What I’m wondering is how do I address this with Paulo to make him realize that he was a big influence and somehow steered them away from me permanently. This is problematic because then Paulo will probably get defensive or claim that he didn’t do this, even though I realized he did the whole time.

— Dissed A Lot

Dear Dissed A Lot: From my read, your first conversation ought to be with James and Jon. That’s the friendship you’re trying to salvage, and continuing to pull Paulo into the mix isn’t going to accomplish that.

James and Jon may be influenced by Paulo, but they’re also independent people who can make their own choices. If they don’t agree with something you did or have a negative feeling about you based on something Paulo said, the best way to address it is with them directly.

Try having an open conversation, free from defensiveness. Use “I” statements. “I am sad that you’re choosing not to continue our friendship. I respect the choice you’ve made but I would appreciate the chance to clear the air and make amends.” Ask them what their issues are, and what they feel the issues in your friendship are.

They may not be interested in fixing the friendship right now. You may need to accept that, too.

With regard to Paulo, think about what you actually want from this friendship, if anything. It may have run its course. If that’s the case, convincing him that he has undue influence over other people won’t really get you closer to your goals. This is less about rehashing what’s been done as it is about making the future you want.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)