Dear Eric: For the past 10 years, a core group in our Homeowners’ Association (HOA) has been very close. We get together on weekends, have meals together, attend HOA events, and even go on vacations with each other. One member of our group is the HOA president and has held that position for more than 20 years.
While the HOA board funded many improvements to our property initially, lately there’s been a lack of activity and our common areas and infrastructure are deteriorating. There’s almost no communication from our HOA board on property repairs or future projects.
I addressed this lack of transparency with our HOA president many times over the years and offered my help to the HOA board to improve communication and transparency but was dismissed.
Since then, I helped organize a group of owners to address our concerns with the HOA board. Although some of our questions were answered, there still remains a lot of financial information that is unaccounted for.
My questioning of HOA bylaws and procedures has caused a rift in our core group and now certain friends have shunned me and blamed me for ruining the core group dynamics. I’ve been respectful and cordial when our group has gotten together but it’s not the same.
Losing these long-term friendships has been hurtful and has bothered me for a while. However, I feel strongly about standing up for what’s right, even if it costs friendships. Can you give me any advice on how to deal with this recent loss of friends?
— Under Fire
Dear Under Fire: It can be really tough to rock the boat, especially when friendship and business are intermingled. However, your friends are blaming you for asking valid questions of someone who is mishandling funds and directly impacting your quality of life. Your friends care too much about the boat and not enough about the storm around them.
Being right can be a cold comfort. You’re going to need to grieve those friendships that have fallen to the wayside. You may feel anger, frustration, sadness, or other emotions. Talk to other friends, who are not involved, about the way you’re feeling. Don’t keep it bottled up.
What you’ll want to reach is a state of acceptance in which you can acknowledge that what happened wasn’t right and you don’t agree with what your friends did, but you’re releasing the expectation that you can change it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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