Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, I married a man who took care of me and my kids. He tells me he loves me, brings me flowers, and supports me. The problem is, he doesn’t want to be physical with me, and it is tearing me apart.
I am not asking to go to the moon; I am simply asking for some physical TLC. I have asked, cried, you name it. I don’t want to twist his arm to show me some love.
I tell him I am lonely, can we get a dog for some companionship, and his reply is always no, they are too much work. So, he gets what he wants out of life, while I suffer each night being alone on my side of the bed. Do I just sit there and spend the rest of my life crying each night, or do I leave him so I can have a chance at finding someone else to hold me at night?
—Lonely at Night
Dear Lonely at Night: You don’t have to ask permission to be loved affectionately. You don’t need his approval to be happy or to fill your life with the things you need. Marriage is a shared path walked by two individuals. Sometimes, ideally a lot of the time, you’re in sync. But you’re still your own people.
So, if you want a dog, get a dog.
More broadly, if you want a different version of your marriage and he refuses to meet you there, you can talk to a marriage therapist together, or a religious leader, or counselor. But he has to be willing to show up and to open up. If he’s not, he’s giving you the message that his wants are more important than your wants. And that’s not true.
Tell him that you love him but that this has reached a crisis point. Because you love him, and because you love yourself, you want this to work. But it needs help to work. There’s no shame in seeking marriage therapy. It’s rare that a couple can solve all their problems on their own. But you need a neutral third party to help you both figure out why the things he values are so different from the things you value and find a path back to each other.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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