Dear Eric: From time to time, I hear a piece of gossip about somebody that I know. I usually neutralize the comment by saying, “I find that hard to believe.” And sometimes I add, “I don’t like to believe comments like this unless I’ve had that experience myself and I just haven’t seen it.” When I can, I try to follow up with the subject of the gossip to get the real story.
Recently I was told to be careful because a person I know had been dealing with alcoholism in the past.
When asked, I found out that this was not true, and that my other friend might have gotten the wrong idea because they worked at an alcohol center as an advocate.
I’m glad I asked, and I think we would all be better off if we don’t jump to conclusions. Should I go back and talk to the original gossiper to share the alternate story?
—Truth Teller
Dear Truth: In the play (and film) “Doubt,” there’s a real barnburner of a monologue in which a character compares gossip to feathers from a down pillow, carried off on the wind, that the gossiper is instructed to collect and stuff back in the pillow. “It can’t be done,” the gossiper claims, realizing the magnitude of their act.
Gossip can be framed as simply relaying information, but in the instance you’ve laid out, it seems the gossiper was throwing feathers out recklessly, under the guise of warning you. They should know better and do better. Personally, I wouldn’t trust this person’s account going forward. You’d be doing everyone a service by going back to the gossiper and correcting their story. You might also remind them that spreading stories not based in fact has consequences – it can harm the person being gossiped about and it makes the gossiper untrustworthy.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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